Are they true?
Are the promises that the word has spoken true?
If you were to have asked me that 4 years I go I would have said without a doubt.
If you were to ask me today, I would say that I hope so.
I'm not so sure anymore.
I had dinner with a group of friends tonight.
All was well and at the drop of a hat,
I feel tears welling up in my eyes.
So I left.
I drove home,
Tears streaming down my face.
That's not who I am.
I'm the strong one.
The one people run to when they need support.
The one that others look to for security.
I've never been the sad one,
The one without hope.
I hate this feeling.
It's not me.
I've hidden these feelings and thoughts for so long
That even I don't know how to respond to them.
This is new territory.
I'm SO broken.
So heavy hearted.
8 years ago God almost took my life.
I remember sitting in the hospital bed at the lowest place
Of my life up to that point.
I had a conversation with God.
I told Him that I had always been told that everything He did had a purpose and that He can and will turn bad into good.
He had been faithful in that promise up until then but I believed that my then problem was bigger than He.
I wished Him luck at fixing me and turning something so bad into something good.
He remained faithful.
He reminded me of the verse Jeremiah 29:11-13.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
Plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call on me and come and pray to me,
and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me
When you seek me with all your heart."
8 years ago I chose that as my life verse.
I wish I still believed it in my core like I once did.
I do know that He is capable.
I do know that He is powerful.
But I also know that I am broken.
That I am lost.